Not All Men
But Every Woman Has A Story
There’s nothing like live jazz, martinis, and bonding with your girls over your horrible shared experiences with men. This Monday, I got to see a friend of mine from my time in Florida. As I waited for her to arrive, I nursed a demure glass of Pinot Noir. Shifting my skirt, I attempted to shake off the mental breakdown I had whilst getting dressed. I was nervous to see her. The last version of myself that she knew was a sweet, naive, and shattered girl trying to restart her life. I was sober and living in a halfway house at that time. Still trying to discover who I was beyond the drugs and trauma. I had fled an abusive relationship that almost killed me and was trying to pick up the pieces. It’s been 5 years since then, and that girl is dead. In her wake stands a strong, confident woman who is unapologetically herself. Still healing and growing, of course, but no longer lost and scared.
I’m a different person now
As I scanned the menu, something caught my eye. A martini flight, three 2-oz martinis of your choice, but that wasn’t what caught my attention. I saw her: The Bradshaw Martini: Gin, Cointreau, Pomegranate juice, Lime, and Oak. Named after my inspiration, Carrie Bradshaw. Here I am living my Sexless-Sex in the City life, building my dreams one brick at a time. It felt like a good omen, a nod from the universe that I was on the right path. The girls arrived, and we ordered three martini flights to sip on while catching up. We reminisced on our time working together and talked shit about our insane coworkers. We debriefed and shared stories. Then finally came the moment I was waiting for. A few months ago, we found out that we were both going through a breakup. It was through this shared experience that she mentioned she wanted to come to New York. Finally, we were here, and the conversation shifted.
What I heard next broke my heart
She gave us the sparknotes of the mental, emotional, and eventual physical abuse she experienced. We sat there listening, nodding our heads in understanding. Each one of us had survived an abusive relationship at some point in our past. We discussed how the abuse starts small. You don’t realize how each fight escalates a bit more. The passive-aggressiveness and the control and manipulation that leave you questioning yourself. The guilt and the self-blame that keep you paralyzed. Stuck in a cycle of pain. We discussed how we might have judged women in the past for staying in abusive relationships. Until we became those women, trapped with no way out. At one point, she tried to apologize for turning the conversation towards such a dark topic. We dismissed that immediately. This was a safe space, a corner in a darkly lit room where 3 women with wounds caused by men were holding space for each other’s pain.
You never think it can happen to you until it does
The thing is, there are good men out there, but there are more bad ones. Every woman in this world has felt unsafe at some point. It’s a part of our experience, and there’s no way around it. Living in a man’s world means living with the knowledge that at any point your life may end. “Have you heard of an Alpine Divorce?” My friend asks us, as we swap martinis, to see which one tastes the best. Turns out, men would rather abandon women in the wilderness on hikes or in a remote area than break up with them. Putting them in a life-threatening situation. This act is so common that it gets its own name. 1 out of 3 women in the world has experienced abuse. Therefore, it makes sense when we say, “I hate all men.” There were 3 of us sitting there, and each one of us had been verbally, physically, and even sexually assaulted. It’s the horrible reality that we carry, and yet we still try. We haven’t given up on love.
Despite having every reason to believe it only causes pain
Each one of us is sitting around the table, practically strangers, bonding over one of the worst things a woman can go through. There’s no judgment, no side eyeing. Just pure understanding of the strength we each carry. A man tried to break us, kill us, destroy us beyond repair, and we survived. Many don’t. When a woman is murdered, the first suspect is always the husband, and most of the time, he did it. Love has been a death sentence for so many of us. So instead of getting mad when a woman says, “I hate all men,” think about why. It’s easy to get offended, but understanding is the harder choice. Women don’t hate men; they wish there were more good ones. I know an abundance of good men. Ones I cherish and use as the standard for what a man should be. I also know that they are rare and hard to find. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible, but sometimes it can feel that way.
I see women out there being loved in a way that gives me faith
I am so proud of my girl for overcoming her breakup and finding the strength to walk away. I see her doing the things she once thought were impossible, and I can relate. To all the women out there who have experienced domestic abuse, my heart goes out to you. I know how horrible it feels. What it’s like to close your eyes and feel like you’re reliving it over and over again. It never goes away, but it does get easier. You can and will survive it. No matter what you’ve experienced, you are not the worst thing you’ve been through. No one can take your power; you decide whether or not to give it away. You are so much more than your pain, and I see you. I see your pain, your broken pieces, and I see the strength it takes to keep moving forward when every bone in your body is begging you to give up.
You are not alone
“I just want to tell other women that when you feel like you are falling, there is a whole army of us ready to catch you. You don’t need to explain because we have lived it, we know, we see, we are here for you, and we believe you.”
(Shonagh, CEO)